Just another scribble...

I scribble a lot. On notepads, desks, blackboards, any clean space for that matter. Most of them don’t make sense often. I was punished (had to stand facing the wall for half and hour :) ) couple of times, for scribbling on the wall. You’re probably saying “been there, done that” right now. Anyways, this is something I had scribbled away, on a napkin, that I recently found, at a CCD (Café Coffee Day), in the city of Bangalore, once upon a time…

U brought me to my knees,
u gave me wings,
a feeling like never before,
fortified by the warmth of sunshine.

memories haunt me day and night,
days begin and end with you.
a constant search prevails,
for that call, message or sign.

unfazed by what happens,
a madness takes over,
blinds me. I see now,
what went wrong,
but I question its worth.

that one smile,
that one touch,
that one kiss,
the one sentence,
a second, a lifetime lived,
every single time, always.


-Madhan

I wish i didn't remember

MORAL DISCALIMER: Doing drugs is uncool. Doing someone, isn't.
What i've written is a result of boredom. Replicating events
mentioned below would probably get you in jail, or worse still,
in hell.

STATUTORY WARNING :Contains profanity and Mary Jane.


9:30 pm
A girl in her early twenties opened the door. Dressed, in a white sleeveless shirt and denim jeans, she was unmistakably pretty. Had I not met her before, I wouldn’t have guessed that she was from Kerala. Guessing her ethnicity was as difficult as guessing that John Abraham was half malayalee.
“Hi Madhan, come in.” she spoke with a husky voice, the one that causes butterflies to flutter in you.
As, I entered the doorway, past the husky sounding keralite, into the drawing room, I was greeted by smoke. But strangely, it didn’t bother me.
“Varoo kanna, varoo (come kiddo, come)” said Suraj, my colleague from work. A typical mallu who lived life large. I envied him with all my heart. I had always envied malabaris like him. Another one in college, whose name meant the same as Suraj. He was sitting beside another girl whom I hadn’t seen before. Probably a friend of Meera, the one who opened the door.
“Vaa (come), we’ve been waiting for you man. What took you so long?”
“I was busy. Had some work.” I lied. I didn’t want them to know that I was just spending time in my own misery.
“Madhan, you should have come with us to Fusion. It was great fun.” said Meera, as she grabbed my hand and led me to sit between her and the other girl. “Here, meet my friend, Dia. Dia, this is Madhan.”
We shook hands. I couldn’t help but notice her eyes. They were sunk in their deep and dark sockets. As though she hadn’t slept in ages. She had a beautiful face, and beautiful skin. Perhaps, in a different place, at a different time, she would have been a head turner.
The setup was simple, two beds, were adjoined to each other. Couple of newspapers were spread out. An ashtray rest in the centre of the newspaper. Judging by the bottle of signature on the floor, and the smoke in the room, I figured that the three had been drinking whisky and smoking joints.
“Here you go” said Meera as she handed me a large and a joint.

Many rounds later…
“Kaunsa number hai Madhan? Kuch yaad hai?” asked Dia.
“Fuck, who cares re..” I replied, as the fumes escaped my nostrils, to form another face of Mary Jane hovering above Dia’s head. It had been hours since I smoked my first joint. I passed the chillum to Dia. “I’m beat guys, I feel so freakinn lazy.” It was true. I was too lazy to lift my head off Dia’s lap. She didn’t seem to mind it anyways. Girls, I thought to myself, they can be the sweetest creatures at times. Dia was, I don’t know, I had never been with a girl like her before. I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she really was. I loved the way the smoke escaped her lips, slow and sexy. I was turned on, even in that intoxicated state, the horny bastard that I was. Suddenly she glanced down at me.
“Dude, stop checking me out!”
“Why, does it bother you?”
“Hell, yes. It’s like you’re eyes are some smoky x ray machine or something.”
“Dia, you know, you are very sexy, but in a beautiful way. Had I not been so fucking beat in your lap, I would have kissed you.”
“What makes u think I would have let you to.”
“Cos I’m one helluva kisser and am sure you’re one too.” I replied barely even looking at her.
Later, I realized I shouldn’t have said that. We shouldn’t have gotten so close. It was wrong on my part.

1:00 am
I couldn’t button my shirt. The buttons were ripped out. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run away as fast as possible. Dia was shouting at me. “What happened dude? Are u going to tell me or not?”
Boy, she didn’t look that good now. I was thirsty. I wanted water. There was none. I gulped down some red bull. Suraj was asking me not to go, but he was too lazy to stop me. I opened the door, Just then Dia pulled me by the arm.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know, I have to go.”
“Like this?? This is not good”
“No, this is fine. Don't care about me. I’m going, let me go.”
She then moved closer, her left hand on my face. I looked away and pulled myself away, opened the door and stepped out.
“None of this happened. All this is crap. I need some oxygen, I don’t want to hurt you Dia. Goodnight.” That was the last I said before heading out into the dark night hearing Dia scream something about me being a fucking prick. Slowly her voice faded away, as I approached the street lights.

“Men reveal what they think when they look away, and what they feel when they hesitate. With women, it’s the other way around."
-fromGregory David Roberts, Shantaram

Why long distance relationships rock.

Neil, are you sure? Don’t you think you’re moving a little too fast? I mean commitment, and the whole long distance thing... man, they kind of suck you in, like a black hole.
Neil, my friend of 10 years turned around and faced me. Neither of us had realized when things had come to this.
“Madhan, I’ll give you three reasons, why I think my long distance relationship will work, in fact why it’s going to rock.

1.We love each other. I mean it. Sometimes, what we share amazes me. No, don’t look at me like that man. You would probably understand it at some point of time. You’ll feel it in you, and it feels like heaven.”
Unable to see the point he was making I waved it off. “Whatever man! None of that made sense to me, so NEXT!”

“2. it’s meant to be so, dude. It’s like a curtain raiser for the next step. You really can’t ignore it. It’s an important leg of the big journey called love which is a part of the even bigger journey called life.”
“Whoa! Oh k Mr. Alchemist. Lets, for a second, think about this journey. There are bound to be problems. What’s going to happen then? Now don’t get excited. I’m not saying you guys will break up or anything, but there are just too many issues, that need to be considered.”
“Like what?”
“Like... I don’t know... ok how about staying in touch?”
He gave a smile, the ones you give, when you’re asked the lamest question in the universe, “Mobile phone, e-mail, gtalk, skype, orkut... dude you are so not web 2.0”
“Alright, let’s look at this your way. In this “journey” of yours, what if you face a puncture? Or what if you both run out of fuel? What if you get lost in a desert, where there is no green grass, no blue lakes, just strong, hot, sandstorms. What would you do then? Do you see it now? I mean, do you have a guarantee or something??”

Neil looked at me. His face told it all. It was calm, not nervous as some would be, as mine would be. It was a solemn look. One of determination and confidence. Was he expecting this question? If not, then why did his answer seem to be one that had been rehearsed a hundred times in front of the mirror? Why did it feel right?
“Have you heard of oases Madhan? They are like small glimpses of heaven for a traveller stranded in a desert. They say, one finds an oasis only in dire times of need. And dude, you forget that deserts are nothing but reservoirs of fuel. I just need to know where to dig, where to search. Madhan, stop thinking of life as a shopping mall, where I can ask for a replacement, or where I can opt for a money back offer. Life isn’t complicated at all. It’s just how we make it out to be.”

“And point three is, I LOVE this woman yaar. I feel super amazing with her. It’s not about whether we can make it through or not. It feels right. I mean, we are totally mad about each other and perhaps, I don’t know, but maybe she’s the one. Dude, I tell you, meeting her was fate and becoming her friend was destiny, but falling in love with her, that’s something I had no control over.”

I stared at him. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t prepared myself for the conversation to turn this way. “Neil, you really love her, don’t you?”
“I do, and I’ve never been this sure about anything else in my life.”
I smiled, thinking about what he had just told me. “I guess, I envy you man. I envy you both. God bless you.”


“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that’s all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that’s all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn”
--from Gregory David Robert’s Shantaram